in case you were wondering...

I just got back from visiting my Grandparents. Grandma's recently been diagnosed with dementia. It's funny how I stayed together while I was there, yet haven't stopped crying since I got home.

It's so hard to watch her.

She's the same, yet not.

Nothing will ever be the same with her.

Her disposition has changed.

She can't concentrate.

She argues about meds and food as though she were a young child.

I selfishly want my Grandma back. I want her to give me a big strong hug. I want her to remember that I'm her granddaughter, not her cousin, daughter-in-law, or friend. I want her strong sharp mind back. I want her to be healthy. I want her to make Thanksgiving dinner and use the dishes she gave me. I want her to remember Gracy's name - afterall, she was named after her. I want her to be able to stay awake. I want her to love going to the farmer's market and enjoy looking around and talking to the vendors. I want her to remember when I tell her I'm going home. I want her to remember where she put my phone number. I want her to write things down and be able to read them. I want her to doodle while she's on the phone and fake whistle while she's in the kitchen. I want her to rub my lower back and tell me that's where all the nerve endings are. I want her to sing "a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck" in my ear right before bed. I want to sit outside with her and talk about her flowers and tomato plants. I want her to remember to water her houseplants. I want her to realize she wore that shirt yesterday. I want her to stand in the driveway and wave to me as I drive off until I can't see her anymore. I want her to "give me such a one". I want to go with her to the store for "paper-paper thin" ham & rolls. I want her eyes to dance & her voice to giggle. Oh God, I want my Grandma back.